For the past few years I’ve been battling with an inner struggle. I don’t know what to actually call it. Anxiety, maybe? But ever since I met Chris and we started forming this life of ours, I’ve found that I’m so happy and content that I’m constantly in fear that something terrible is going to happen. I have this “it’s too good to be true” mentality and it’s been plaguing my thoughts for years.
It’s a darkness that will come over me and create a sense of fear. For example, it’s very rare that Chris and I are apart, but for those few days or moments that we are, I’ll run through as many terrible scenarios in my head as I can. It’s like if I think of it, then it really can’t happen. To constantly conjure up “the worse case scenario” is exhausting and tolling.
I often have to speak my fears to Chris so that I can put them out there and then dismiss them. I don’t know where this came from but I hate that it affects the way that I think and feel.
I knew that things would get worse if I became pregnant. I resigned to not getting attached to our future baby while in utero in case something terrible happened. If I didn’t let myself fall in love with this baby then I wouldn’t be as hurt or traumatized if anything bad were to happen. There are so many things that can go wrong during pregnancy and I found myself holding my breath before every midwife appointment, waiting to exhale until we heard his heartbeat on the doppler.
Not getting attached was relatively easy during the first trimester. Aside from extreme fatigue and morning sickness, there were no obvious signs of a baby in my belly. But something changed around week 20. It’s when we found out that we were having a sweet little boy and it’s around the same time that I really started feeling him move. It was then undeniable that we were having a baby. A son. He was ours. He was mine. And no matter what happened from then on out, we would love him unconditionally.
We had our final ultrasound a few days ago at 26 weeks. At the previous ultrasound, our little mister had been measuring small (in the 9th percentile!) and our tech had spotted a soft marker for down syndrome. This week’s ultrasound was the best one we’ve had yet. For the first time, our little guy wasn’t breech (although he still has plenty of room to move around) and he was measuring in the 35th percentile. His soft marker had completely disappeared (as everyone thought it would) AND-the best part in my opinion-we got a great look at his face. And let me tell you, our little guy has his daddy’s lips. Our tech couldn’t get over how big and cute his lips were. If I wasn’t already in love before, I was now head-over-heels obsessed.
I’m so in love and attached to my son. I would understandably be devastated if anything bad were to happen to him but I’m not going to let my fears deter me from falling in love with him more and more each day. I’m all in. Every time I feel him move I send a little “thank you” up to God. I feel so incredibly blessed to be this boy’s mama and that’s something I don’t want to ever take for granted.
Featured image taken by our talented Flytographer, Naomi, while on Maui.